A list of actual announcements that London Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers…
1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do
apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home,
unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll
want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E &
B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any
further information as soon as I’m given any.”
3) “Do you want the good
news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday
and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points
failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t
reach our destination.”
4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the
delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass
some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a
5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can
see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like
6) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
7) During an extremely
hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:
“Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately,
towels are not provided.”
8) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!”
(Pause.) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m
9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse
this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate
10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the
doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or your bags into the doors.”
11) “We can’t move off because some idiot
has their hand stuck in the door.”
12) “To the gentleman wearing the long
grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of
the doors’ don’t you understand?”
13) “Please move all baggage away from
the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.”
(Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing
glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your
bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up
your a**e sideways!”
14) “May I remind all passengers that there is
strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
You might think that I am smoking “TIK”, sniffing OMO or even drinking bath water seeing that I am from Cape Town, but I can assure you that I am not.
The reason for the heading on this post is simply because I heard something on 5 FM whilst at Gym this morning. Yes I do go to gym to go and drink coffee, but that is beside the point.
The conversation on 5 FM was regarding the fact that Bradley Wiggins, winner of the Tour de Lance, Tour de Drugs, Tour de Thugs or whatever damn tour you want to call it might, might be Knighted for his efforts. WOW! It seems like sporting achievements are so few and far between in England that you get can get Knighted for winning a Ale Drinking contest or indeed a Yorkshire Pudding eating contest. And although the Tour de France is a well-known sporting event ( still don’t think it’s a sport), I think that they are giving away Knighthood to any Tom, Dick or Sally that puts on a Tracksuit.
Rumour also has it that if England win the series against South Africa currently being contested , played that they will also be Knighted. No, just kidding!
One thing I would like to see regarding world rankings in Cricket is more ranking points for HUGE defeats. An innings, or 10 wickets would warrant more points than a 1 run or 1 wicket victory. You see it in golf, just look at Ernie, jumping from 40 odd to 15. Makes sense to me.
No more sport to look forward to until Friday.
Have a great day
PS!!!! Thats me 4x4ing in the snow. Jealous?
What a fantastic sporting weekend, well, if you are South African.
Its a tough call against the Stormers. May the best team win.
As for the Bulls. What can you say? 14 “Springboks” against 7 All Backs. Surely a mismatch, hey? Nope, not to be. Just shows you what a lucky season they had. My concern here is that most of these palookas will don the Green and Gold.
What can you say about this man, Kallis and Smith? They batted the Poms into submission. It was like watching a movie where a young convict was raped, raped again and raped some more by big bullies in a prison.
I can see us winning this comfortably. Even the weather is on our side.
Last but not least. The English had something to smile about. I heard one of their okes won a cycle race. Cycling isn’t a sport anyway so not much to write home about. I bet you in about a months time that a story will surface that the guy that won tested positive for some sort of drug. Must be. A man with sideburns like that must be on drugs.
Here is to hoping that we wrap up the test today.
Have a great week
In the UK, it is nothing to come out in support of your team in Icy cold conditions. In Cape Town, for a Coloured it’s a different story. When the dates were confirmed for Manchester United to tour South Africa, it was welcomed by the media. The 19 times Premier League Champions has a massive following in Africa, and this is not the first time they have graced our shores in the Pre Season.
The Weather in Cape Town is freezing. And Cape Town Stadium, one of the new stadiums built for Soccer 2010 World Cup is waiting. Against the ever present Table Mountain, the Stadium is one of the most beautiful in the world, and is just another place this blogger will visit later today. My ultimate goal, as the years pass, is to visit various Stadia around the Globe.
Old Trafford-Home of Manchester United and my favourite team…
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